BLACK CLOUD

THE DEPRESSION

 

Nobody tells you how to process your feelings when you get diagnosed with MRKH.

As you receive the news usually at the age of between 15-18yrs, your probably just leaving school or already at college, your not thinking about the future as such and maybe your not in a serious relationship…So how do you process that your future self will not be able to carry your own child EVER.

I don’t know how others who were at similar ages felt when they are diagnosed, but for me i fell straight into the BIG BLACK HOLE that is depression.

It was a dark time for a few months after diagnosis, i remember being in bed for a lot of that time, having my own pity party in my head. The Why me? Why not somebody else? Nobody will want me as i can’t have children, whats the point of my existence if i can’t be a mummy. Thoughts that really i should have been able to speak to somebody about, but there was no support i had to get through it by myself as i wouldn’t and didn’t feel comfortable talking to my parents at the time about it.

I woke up one morning after the dark months and just thought i need to start going out again, i need to see my friends again, i need to go to college again or find a job, i need to WAKE UP out of this black hole i was in. I started to see my friends again and slowly i started to live my life and block out the MRKH.

A few years later the depression was to come back with a bang to the point my 20’s were quite a teary blur and i can’t really remember much only that i was crying constantly, it seemed to be all the time and nothing anybody would say could console me or get the negative thoughts out of my head.

I was on antidepressants for a few years and they did help me through to a point i could finally come of them, again i felt like i had ‘woken up’ at the age of 29/30yrs old. I started noticing the seasons changing, everything seemed to be in colour something i hadn’t noticed for such a long time as i had been in this black cloud. I felt normal again,i did still get the negative thoughts now and again but i was trying to be positive and live a positive life but whenever you think you think you have it together there is always something to knock you back a few steps but thats for another day.

The Childless Aunt X

(Image from http://affinitymagazine.us)

Posts published: 8

5 comments

  1. Mum says:

    Shelly I hate to think you have felt like this, I think you are beautiful and loving person who doesn’t deserve this pain, I wish that I could make this better for you , but hopefully this will make people who are suffering in silence like you have doesn’t have to anymore hopefully, your loving mum my heart aches for you .

  2. Brandi Lytle says:

    Thank you for bravely sharing your story. What is MRKH? I’m not familiar with this infertility disease.

    1. ChildlessAunt83 says:

      Hi Brandi, it is a syndrome you are born with that effects the reproductive organs and means that you may be born with no uterus, cervix and a very small vagina. There is two types and the second one can affect your back, kidneys and ears i think. x

  3. Michelle says:

    Childless Aunt – I am 51 years old and basically had to tell a few physicians that I think I have MRKH. After living a life where I knew I couldn’t have children and having to tell my partner that I could never have children I never really knew why. I know it probably some syndrome but back in the 60’s they never put a name to it. It was very strange when I saw something on the Internet about MRKH and after reading it I said that is me. It’s amazing how many physicians still are not familiar with the term. I do think that you are a very brave person and I commend you for bringing this up and talking about it. From one “Childless Aunt” to another I feel your pain.

    1. ChildlessAunt83 says:

      Thank you for the kind words. I’m sorry you have had to make physicians listen to you, and you never knew why you couldn’t have children. And yes the amount of physicians that do not know about the syndrome baffles me aswell in this day and age. You are not alone, we are warriors together! X

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